Random #467

It’s getting colder and colder, and the debate around the city is “Have you turned on your heat yet?”
A couple of weeks ago when the cold first started, youngest muffin, dressed in shorts, a tank and no socks, asked me “Can we turn the heat up?”
I immediately froze for two reasons:
1. He had on next to nothing, sitting next to an open window, and was complaining about being cold.
2. “Turn the heat UP” indicates that the heat was “on”. Which it wasn’t. But I distinctly remembered this summer, when the same muffin was playing basketball outside and it began to rain. So he took it upon himself to come inside, turn on the heat, TO DRY OFF HIS BASKETBALL. IT WAS SUMMER!! Already 90 degrees outside and he turned on the heat.
It took me forever to figure out why I felt like I was in the throes of menopause in my early 30’s while simultaneously having a heat stroke. I kept tryna figure out who to call to let them know to get to my house quick because clearly I was dying and wanted who ever came to get my kids, to remind them often how much I loved them. But there was so much sweat in my eyes, that I couldn’t see my phone, which led me to believe that the stroke was taking my eye sight quickly.
It was a rough rough day.
So anyway…when he said “turn up the heat”, I looked at him with my “across the sanctuary” eyes. Then I slowly walked over to the thermostat and was relived to see he had not turned on the heat.
My heat is now on. Only after being fully clothed with socks on realizing we were all shivering a little….

Random #466

So I did the Breast Cancer Walk yesterday! It was at the zoo, so there were plenty of hills (I now know what that song meant, moaning about “I’ve had hills to climb”. Chile it was a rough one.) When I got to the top of the zoo (which was the halfway mark) I asked no one in particular did I look skinnier? A kind hearted gentleman responded yes. I was so thankful, I almost asked him did he like bacon! But then was not the time to flirt. I had to focus on getting back down to the bottom. And that is a whole ‘nother story!
I went home sore.
Anyway, I decided this morning, since I was on such a workout roll, to go walking this morning. I did another 3 miles. I was proud but even more sore as I walked into my house. The problem came when I sat down. Rigamortis set in. I crawled to my shower, hoping the heat would help. No such luck. I am now walking around like OJ Simpson.
I need a bowl of bufferin and batch of bacon to heal these bones!

Random #465

Rush hour. Slow traffic. It all makes me cringe, cry and itch.
I sat on a highway for about 20 minutes, hungry and in need of a bathroom, which allowed me the time to compile a small list of what causes these traffic problems.
1. An accident. I hope ya’ll are ok
2. People who don’t know where they are going. I admit, I have been guilty a time or two. And GPS ain’t always as quick as the approaching exit/merge options. So I get it. But still. You slightly burn my britches.
3. Zips in and out of lanes. You are a distraction to #2. They already don’t know what’s going on and here you come dancing in all the lanes. Pick one!!
4. Scared of the elements. Ok listen…when the rain is a freaking sheet and you can’t see, I get it. And I’m an Ohio girl, so I know about snow and ice. BUT! If it’s a little tiny piece of a rain drop, WHY are you riding your brakes?! MOVE
5. The texter/face-timer, cell phone user. You swerving and drifting between lanes to tell who, what? Can it wait? Till you park?!
6. Joy riders/slow drivers. I know this is wrong. And God forgive me, but I hate you. Why are there 3 car spaces worth of empty space in front of you and you’re doing 25 on the highway. Why? WHY?!
If 2-5 would JUST DRIVE…or….turn in their keys….there would far less congestion on the road. The rest of us know where we are going, don’t need to text, can drive at a great speed, in any weather condition.
2-5 makes me blood boil.
2-5 steams my peas.
If you are a 2-5 I cannot in good conscious rock with you!

Random #464

When people reference what time they finally fell asleep..”I woke up at 2 and didn’t fall back to sleep until 5″ I always wonder…how do they know? Do they glance at the clock right before they slip into sleepyland? Are their bodies just aware that is it now “5”? How?…

Random #462

Whoever invented a woman’s yearly exam was clearly a dude!

First of all, every time I see the stirrups I hyperventilate a little, so I didn’t hear the nurse tell me if the gown closes in the front or the back. I put it on wrong (You probably guessed that). The doc comes in like a mighty rushing wind, frustrated with himself because he is behind. I wanted to offer him a bottle of wine to unwind a little because I didn’t want anyone that uptight performing any kind of examination on me. “Hey doc…why don’t we talk a little….get to know each other before we….ya know…so where are you from?” I’d hand him his glass, laced with something to knock him out so I could run out of there.

He tells me my gown is on wrong but that it doesn’t really make a difference. “It’s really just for your dignity”. I laughed! “My dignity went out the window when I walked in here, doc” I said.

But the kicker was, he got to rub on my boobs while he talked about how excited he was to get the new iPhone 7, which was en route “Even as we speak!” he said excitedly.

Only a man could have come up with this…


Random #460

I swear…I can cook. A beast in the kitchen. But I didn’t prove it the past couple of days.

My plan was to make chicken and rice. I turned on the chicken to boil….then fell asleep. I woke up to a smoke-filled house. I woke up startled, discombobulated…already couldn’t see, and I couldn’t find my glasses. The smoke detector was going off upstairs (I still haven’t figured that part out). I was stumbling all over the place, coughing. It was a mess.

I run to the grocery store to buy more chicken. Get back home, boil the chicken….DIDN’T BURN IT (I was very proud about that). I added the rice. And forgot the turn the burner down. Burned my second pot.

Super bummed. My house…and my hair…smelled like burnt burn.

AND….last night, I put chili in the crock pot. My plan was to turn it on, go to bed, and wake up to dinner already done.

Woke up at 3….only to discover I forgot to turn the crock pot on.


Random #458

I asked God for a sign the other day, while I was praying. Then I got a little specific…

And the specific thing I asked for came to pass within a couple of hours. I’m still sitting in shock. LOL!

God is awesome!

Random #455

Recently, while walking down the street with my muffins, I explained to them that when they are walking with a female, they should let the female walk on in the inside. “It’s a protection thing” I explained “For example, if a car jumps the curb, you would protect her from getting hurt”.
Oldest muffin: But I don’t want to get hurt, either!
Youngest muffin: But what if the female is manlier than me?
This is what I deal with!

Random #454

Wanna hear about my day?

So I jump in my car to take a 38 minute drive (courtesy of Google Maps) to dinner. About 15 minutes in, I realize that my tank is on E. (Before you fuss I know, I know…I never let it get that low. Oversight on my part). So anyway, I look for an exit, simultaneously reaching for my purse to grab my wallet. I rustled my hand in there, and couldn’t find it. Signaling to merge over, to get closer to the exit lane (still not knowing where I should get off, mind you) I start throwing the contents of my purse onto the seat/floor. Still no wallet.

I get off the highway, no wallet in sight and pull into a gas station. WHAT DO PEOPLE DO IN THESE SITUATIONS? So I walk in, and explain the situation. The attendant says she is not allowed to help (apparently, I am not the first person) but she gives me her “tip” money. Two dollars and some change. I thanked her profusely. I put the gas in the tank and my needle not only did not MOVE with that $2, it didn’t even cough! Sputter!

A gentleman pulled up next to me. So I take a deep breath and say “Excuse me sir. My tank is on E and I forgot my wallet. Could you spare a couple of dollars?”. (As I would retell this story later, my dad announced to the whole restaurant “OMG SHE’S OUT HERE BEGGING!”). The man smiled and graciously offered me $5, which I graciously accepted. Not for nothing, I saw him peek into my car, which looked like a tornado hit, because ladies you know what it looks like when you empty your purse.

I got the gas and made my way to dinner. I sit down in exhaustion at the table and explain what happened to which my dad says “You could’ve made it here on E”.

Thank you God for those two wonderful Samaritans.


Random #453

The other day I forgot to pick my niece up from camp!

I was consumed with a story I was trying to write and completely lost track of time. My phone rang, and I absentmindedly answered, even though I didn’t recognize the number.

“Hi Auntie” she said in the sweetest voice ever

“Hey babyOHHHHHHIWASSUPPOSEDTOPICKYOUUP!!” I yelled, as realization set in. I felt like the mom on Home Alone when she realized she forgot her kid at home.  “I’m on my way”. In one fell swoop I grabbed my phone and purse and shoes and flew downstairs. I kept thinking, this is the worst feeling ever.

I yelled to my kids, “I forgot to pick up babygirl, I’ll be right back!” Even though I know I was a blur of hair and mommy as I ran past them, I could see the look of utter shock and disgust on their faces. This, I thought, is the worse feeling ever!

What is normally a 15 minute trip ended up taking well over a half hour because there was freakin construction everywhere!!This made me think, THIS is the worse feeling ever!

I sat in traffic and tried to download a directions app (new phone) and I guess it didn’t configure right because it took me in a complete freaking circle. And I won’t talk about how it took me till I got back to the beginning that I realized it was a circle. I hit the steering wheel and yelled at the top of my lungs. This has got to be the worse feeling ever.

I finally get to camp, turning into the parking lot on two wheels, and screeching to a halt in front of the pick up line. No one was there but my niece and her camp counselor. Both of them side eyed me. I tried to apologize to the counselor and give excuses. She was way younger than me and was all in her ‘respecting my elders’ type thing, so she kept saying “It’s ok” but she added that silent, disgusted look. I bit my lip and thought dang this is the worst feeling!!

My niece hopped in the backseat. I said hey muffin!! I tried to sound cheerful. She matched my cheerful and asked “why did you forget about me?”. My answer was a bribe: wanna get some ice cream on the way home? Great!!…I kept thinking to myself, now I’m bribing my niece. This is the worst feeling ever.

The next day, I was aware all day, that at 3:30 I needed to pick up my niece. I set an alarm on my phone, remembering that I needed to leave out earlier because of construction, I placed sticky notes all over the house DO NOT FORGET TO PICK UP BABY GIRL!!. As I looked around at all the reminders, read text messages from friends, and baby girl’s parents, reminding me to pick her up, my kids who said repeatedly “hey ma, don’t forget…”…I was thinking doggone it! Mommy brain is the worst. This is the worst feeling ever!!

I pulled up, on time to pick her up! And she, with a loud, bellowing voice, told the whole pick up line as she walked to my car “I’m so glad you didn’t forget to pick me up today, Auntie! It’s too hot to stand outside and wait two days in a row!”. Her camp counselor nodded in agreement, ever so gently. The other parents all stared at me from their car windows. All I could do was smile tightly and try not to turn red with embarrassment……THIS is by far the worst feeling ever…

Random #451

When you use the free Pandora app, there is always a gamble as to how many times you can skip or “thumbs down” a song before you run out of opportunities. After that, you are forced to listen to junk songs. It always gives me an anxiety…

Random #448

The other day, I had to fill out a survey.

The first question was: what is your short term goal? I replied, to get out of spanx.

The second question was: what is your long term goal? I replied, to STAY out of spanx.

Don’t tell me I don’t have goals! Lol

Random #446

It NEVER fails:

When I am dressed to the 9’s, with my make-up flawless and my hair on point and my waist snatched and my whatever is whatever’ed, and I’m looking like new money with the class of old money…I see no one. Not a soul. I don’t even see the mail man!

Oh, but when I am looking like a regular at Wal-mart, I see my ex boyfriend, the guy I been eyeballing, the guy I went out with 3 days ago, my old hair dresser, the girl who works at Popeyes who I had to say “yo momma” to when she tried to play me on the Tuesday special, I see my ex boyfriend stank momma who never liked me (I mean, what is there NOT to like), I see my old acting coach who told me don’t quit my day job, I see the guy who fired me from my day job….and the mailman. It never fails.

Random #444

The weather was so nice yesterday, I decided to start putting out my lawn furniture. I always wash down my front porch, and this year had the bright idea to use a mop and bucket to soap up the walls before hosing it down. So the muffins and I are washing and setting things up and they’re spraying each other, having a good time.

(I would like to take this time to note: before we went outside I asked if they were hungry, and they both said no. 35 seconds after we walked into the garage, they were all of a sudden famished!! How that happen?)

Anyway, we did enough to work up a good appetite. So, as I walked into the house to prepare their dinner plates, I said make sure you all clean up, close the garage and come on in….to which they replied, ok.

So imagine my surprise, when I ran out the house hours later to run to the store, when I saw the MOP AND BUCKET sitting smack dab in the middle of the FRONT LAWN, straight like a house with no training!! That mop and bucket made us look like we don’t brush our teeth every day, or we yell at each other from down the street, or we belch the alphabet in front of company. I was so embarrassed!!

I would like to apologize to my neighbors…