Random #475

It never fails: anytime you tell kids to clean up, you will inevitably find the most random of items in the dirty clothes.
There are now too little clothes (at least 6 years too little) and clothes from 3 seasons ago, that are not dirty, but sitting proudly amongst legitimate dirty clothes.
And it’s not like I don’t give the “what is dirty” requirements, beforehand, because I do. Every time.
And every time I still find the same stuff…

Random #474

So this guy, who is always in my inbox, telling me how beautiful I am, asked me to marry him. (we have never met in person)

Just when I was at the point of saying “Sir, you have taken this too far”, he hit me with some bacon ideas that I just couldn’t pass up! I mean, they were good ideas, restaurant ideas! All bacon themed. We even came up with a compromise for turkey breakfast meat (you might call it turkey “bacon”).

So just call me Mrs whatever his last name is!…

Random #473

One thing is for certain….words are flaky and fleeting, and effort goes a long way.

People really do show you better than they will ever tell you.

I listen with my eyes….

Random #471

Rain is like nature’s music. It’s so soothing to me…intoxicating even…HAVE YA’LL EVER HEAR OF “TOE CLEAVAGE”? I hadn’t until recently. I have to say, I was quite taken by this compliment. For years people have made fun of my toes (My big toe is like a grape amongst raisins…it was a random) but now I’m getting compliments. See how God restores?…I was having a conversation with a stranger,and I asked him how old was he. He said 21. I said “Aw your just a baby”. He looked quizzically at me and said “Baby?…well how old are you?” I responded 35. He replied “Oh. Wow!! I thought you were my age. I had no idea that you were that old!”. Best. Back-handed. Compliment. Ever. I’m so geeked that I look like I’m still in my 20s!!

Random #470

Do you ever wanna tell God “No offense but I think you’re doing this wrong”?

I was checking out today, and there was couple behind me who was clearly in love. The cashier noticed as well. “Aw…you all are so cute!” she cooed and she swiped my items.

The woman looked up into her bae’s eyes and said “Aw….he is really is my best friend”.

The cashier goes “Yea…that’s how it is with me and my boyfriend”

I smiled at the pack of bacon that she was swiping, as I silently threw up in my head.

Woman says “It took me 45 years to find him. I’m so thankful”.

I checked my drivers licence, remembered I was 35, and that’s when me and God started talking. “God I hope you love me more than you love her because I don’t want to wait 10 more years!” I grabbed my bags, smiled at the couple and left.

Guess what happened? I walked right into the “Do you come here often” guy from yesterday. And we weren’t at CVS…

Random #469

Earlier today I sat in a parking lot, in my car. My window was down. A man approached me.
“I feel like I know you…you come here often?”
It was a CVS…

Random #467

It’s getting colder and colder, and the debate around the city is “Have you turned on your heat yet?”
A couple of weeks ago when the cold first started, youngest muffin, dressed in shorts, a tank and no socks, asked me “Can we turn the heat up?”
I immediately froze for two reasons:
1. He had on next to nothing, sitting next to an open window, and was complaining about being cold.
2. “Turn the heat UP” indicates that the heat was “on”. Which it wasn’t. But I distinctly remembered this summer, when the same muffin was playing basketball outside and it began to rain. So he took it upon himself to come inside, turn on the heat, TO DRY OFF HIS BASKETBALL. IT WAS SUMMER!! Already 90 degrees outside and he turned on the heat.
It took me forever to figure out why I felt like I was in the throes of menopause in my early 30’s while simultaneously having a heat stroke. I kept tryna figure out who to call to let them know to get to my house quick because clearly I was dying and wanted who ever came to get my kids, to remind them often how much I loved them. But there was so much sweat in my eyes, that I couldn’t see my phone, which led me to believe that the stroke was taking my eye sight quickly.
It was a rough rough day.
So anyway…when he said “turn up the heat”, I looked at him with my “across the sanctuary” eyes. Then I slowly walked over to the thermostat and was relived to see he had not turned on the heat.
My heat is now on. Only after being fully clothed with socks on realizing we were all shivering a little….

Random #466

So I did the Breast Cancer Walk yesterday! It was at the zoo, so there were plenty of hills (I now know what that song meant, moaning about “I’ve had hills to climb”. Chile it was a rough one.) When I got to the top of the zoo (which was the halfway mark) I asked no one in particular did I look skinnier? A kind hearted gentleman responded yes. I was so thankful, I almost asked him did he like bacon! But then was not the time to flirt. I had to focus on getting back down to the bottom. And that is a whole ‘nother story!
I went home sore.
Anyway, I decided this morning, since I was on such a workout roll, to go walking this morning. I did another 3 miles. I was proud but even more sore as I walked into my house. The problem came when I sat down. Rigamortis set in. I crawled to my shower, hoping the heat would help. No such luck. I am now walking around like OJ Simpson.
I need a bowl of bufferin and batch of bacon to heal these bones!

Random #465

Rush hour. Slow traffic. It all makes me cringe, cry and itch.
I sat on a highway for about 20 minutes, hungry and in need of a bathroom, which allowed me the time to compile a small list of what causes these traffic problems.
1. An accident. I hope ya’ll are ok
2. People who don’t know where they are going. I admit, I have been guilty a time or two. And GPS ain’t always as quick as the approaching exit/merge options. So I get it. But still. You slightly burn my britches.
3. Zips in and out of lanes. You are a distraction to #2. They already don’t know what’s going on and here you come dancing in all the lanes. Pick one!!
4. Scared of the elements. Ok listen…when the rain is a freaking sheet and you can’t see, I get it. And I’m an Ohio girl, so I know about snow and ice. BUT! If it’s a little tiny piece of a rain drop, WHY are you riding your brakes?! MOVE
5. The texter/face-timer, cell phone user. You swerving and drifting between lanes to tell who, what? Can it wait? Till you park?!
6. Joy riders/slow drivers. I know this is wrong. And God forgive me, but I hate you. Why are there 3 car spaces worth of empty space in front of you and you’re doing 25 on the highway. Why? WHY?!
If 2-5 would JUST DRIVE…or….turn in their keys….there would far less congestion on the road. The rest of us know where we are going, don’t need to text, can drive at a great speed, in any weather condition.
2-5 makes me blood boil.
2-5 steams my peas.
If you are a 2-5 I cannot in good conscious rock with you!

Random #464

When people reference what time they finally fell asleep..”I woke up at 2 and didn’t fall back to sleep until 5″ I always wonder…how do they know? Do they glance at the clock right before they slip into sleepyland? Are their bodies just aware that is it now “5”? How?…