Random #462

Whoever invented a woman’s yearly exam was clearly a dude!

First of all, every time I see the stirrups I hyperventilate a little, so I didn’t hear the nurse tell me if the gown closes in the front or the back. I put it on wrong (You probably guessed that). The doc comes in like a mighty rushing wind, frustrated with himself because he is behind. I wanted to offer him a bottle of wine to unwind a little because I didn’t want anyone that uptight performing any kind of examination on me. “Hey doc…why don’t we talk a little….get to know each other before we….ya know…so where are you from?” I’d hand him his glass, laced with something to knock him out so I could run out of there.

He tells me my gown is on wrong but that it doesn’t really make a difference. “It’s really just for your dignity”. I laughed! “My dignity went out the window when I walked in here, doc” I said.

But the kicker was, he got to rub on my boobs while he talked about how excited he was to get the new iPhone 7, which was en route “Even as we speak!” he said excitedly.

Only a man could have come up with this…


Random #460

I swear…I can cook. A beast in the kitchen. But I didn’t prove it the past couple of days.

My plan was to make chicken and rice. I turned on the chicken to boil….then fell asleep. I woke up to a smoke-filled house. I woke up startled, discombobulated…already couldn’t see, and I couldn’t find my glasses. The smoke detector was going off upstairs (I still haven’t figured that part out). I was stumbling all over the place, coughing. It was a mess.

I run to the grocery store to buy more chicken. Get back home, boil the chicken….DIDN’T BURN IT (I was very proud about that). I added the rice. And forgot the turn the burner down. Burned my second pot.

Super bummed. My house…and my hair…smelled like burnt burn.

AND….last night, I put chili in the crock pot. My plan was to turn it on, go to bed, and wake up to dinner already done.

Woke up at 3….only to discover I forgot to turn the crock pot on.


Random #458

I asked God for a sign the other day, while I was praying. Then I got a little specific…

And the specific thing I asked for came to pass within a couple of hours. I’m still sitting in shock. LOL!

God is awesome!

Random #455

Recently, while walking down the street with my muffins, I explained to them that when they are walking with a female, they should let the female walk on in the inside. “It’s a protection thing” I explained “For example, if a car jumps the curb, you would protect her from getting hurt”.
Oldest muffin: But I don’t want to get hurt, either!
Youngest muffin: But what if the female is manlier than me?
This is what I deal with!