I had to submit a bio the other day. I toyed with idea of submitting:
Too hot…call the police and fireman
Too hot…make a dragon wanna retire, man
Too hot…say my name you know who I am
I didn’t submit it because I don’t know what the last line is.
Wanna know what’s funny? At the end of a gambling commercial, they quietly offer help. It’s like “HEY COME TO OUR NEW CASINO! YOU’LL HAVE SO MUCH FUN HERE!! PLAY SLOTS? CARD GAMES? COME WIN SOME MONEY FROM US AND EAT GOOD FOOD!! COME TODAY! COME TODAY! DON’T DELAY!……….ifyouhaveagamblingproblemgethelp”. Ain’t no gambler gonna stop what he’s doing and think, “You know what? Instead of going to that new casino and spending my mortgage to play some games, I’m gonna call that number they gave really quiet and fast at the end of the commercial, and I’m gonna go get help!”.
Friend A- I haven’t had a perm in 4 years
Friend B, after inhaling and exhaling a couple of times- WHAT DO YOU WANT?! A TROPHY! PHEW! I’ve been wanting to say that for a while!
I don’t frequent seafood places often because the youngest love muffin has an allergy. So while he is out of town, the oldest love muffin and I decided to go to Red Lobster.
When we were ready to place our order, mine included a backed potato.
Waitress: butter and sour cream?
Me: Yes….let’s make it loaded
Waitress: ok so you want cheese too?
Me: Yes and bacon
Waitress: oh we don’t have bacon.
Me: ………………………………………….WHET?!…………………………..%@^%#&@*&!*@!%…………..WHAT YOU MEAN YOU DON’T HAVE BACON?!
We went a couple rounds, having the same conversation. A day later, I’m still dumbfounded and appalled. How do they NOT have bacon? Does that make sense to you?! If so, YEW are not my friend either! EVERY restaurant should have bacon! Bacon is food! And restaurants serve food! THEREFORE, Red Lobster should serve bacon!
I am writing them a letter!….
#GrowingUpBlack has been trending lately, and it really took me down memory lane. And it got me thinking…
I was in 6th grade when I had to get braces. Mind you, I had already been rocking eye glasses since the 4th grade, so adding braces was a hard blow. The cruel cruel kids in my school called me Magneto Mouth (If you don’t know who Magneto is I’m not telling you). I went home crying, ready to quit school, mad that my mother would put these horrible things on my teeth…and my grandmother said to me “They talking about you? So what?! They talked about Jesus, what makes you think they aren’t gonna talk about you?”…
So I’m out with my sissy, right? It was a Sunday and she drove. We went downtown. In my head, I’m thinking “She drove, the least I could do is put some change in the meter”. So I stand at the meter, digging into the very bottom of my pink BCBG purse, and she stands there WATCHING ME. I get up to 52 minutes and say “Sissy I don’t have anymore change. I’ll hafta run into a restaurant and get change”. This heffa says “Oh that’s ok, it’s Sunday. They don’t check the meter on Sundays”. I look up in complete and utter disbelief, because 1) It’s Sunday. They don’t check the meters on Sundays. DUH!! and 2). SHE STOOD THERE AND WATCHED ME PUT MONEY INTO THE METER!! I looked at her and said “Wait a minute!! You WATCHED me put money in here!”. You wanna know what she did? She laughed! LAUGHED!!
That heffa owes me 52 minutes worth of change!!…
You ever look at certain people having kids and think “po baby don’t have half a chance because she got you for a momma/daddy…she gone need just a lil mo Jesus…”…
So I made a pot of spaghetti to take my mom’s house for my love muffins to eat. She left it out for two days on top of the stove. In the summer. Now, in her defense, she was in the process of moving/unpacking so she was a little busy. Coincidentally, those are also the reasons I made said pot of sketti.
So anyway, when I saw the pot on the stove, I’m like “Ma!”, and she’s all like “Ooops”. So I sigh, and prepare to throw it down the garbage disposal. To which she said “Don’t put that down my disposal. It stinks”. So I’m all like “Ma, this is what a garbage disposal is for!”. She snatched the lid out of my hand and secured it back on the pot. “No. Take it home with you!”. She really said this to me. “Take it home with you”. Take home a spoiled pot of spaghetti, that she let spoil, home with me. “WHY?!” I cried in disbelief. “BECAUSE IT STINKS!” she replied, in her own incredulous disbelief. This went on for about 5 minutes.
I poured it down the disposal. This is nothing new. She used to make me take home dirty diapers, when she used to watch the love muffins when they were babies. Why, you may ask? “Because they stink”.
Grandmothers these days…
My auntie said that Idris Elba just looked “alright”. I asked her not to curse in my grandmother (her mother’s) home. I asked her not to disrespect me like that. She wouldn’t budge.
Never have I experienced that whole “love them that hurt you on purpose
thing. SMH! It’s like she doesn’t even care…