Random #363

When people stop me and say “Hey I had bacon yesterday and I thought of you”, I feel so proud. I stick my chest out and Sherman Hemsley walk through the rest of my day! I’m pretty much changing the world…

Random #362

I don’t mean to be all “why is a shoe called a shoe”….but have you really given thought to how things like texts and messaging actually work? It’s intriguing, right?

 

Random #358

I ate a banana split for breakfast yesterday.

I didn’t intend to. I made it in the morning, with the intent of eating it at lunch. So I brought it to work, put it in the freezer sat down, then thought, I can’t wait to eat my ice cream. That thought was quickly followed by “Wait a doggone minute! Why do I hafta wait till lunch?! I’m grown! I pay my own bills. I’ma eat my ice cream when I get ready!”

So I got up and marched back to that freezer, grabbed my ice cream and sat down and ate it! I was looking at everybody with the “I triple dog dare you to say something to me!” face.

It was SOOOOO good. It had cherries and nuts and bananas and fudge and marshmallow and strawberry….

Random #357

They say the devil doesn’t come dressed in all red with horns on. And they are right. For me he comes in the form of cupcakes, doughnuts, almond snickers, slushis, loaded baked potatoes, bacon, anything fried…oreos….

Random #356

Where do I start? I changed my direct tv package because clearly they think they can slap me with upcharges every other day and I’m supposed to be cool with it. Only now do I realize I got rid of some of the sports channels the kids love. I’m practicing my “Can’t you find the game on netflix?” speech…I made it home in time to prepare and eat dinner, then head to class, only to sit there for 10 minutes with two other kids before realizing class was cancelled…the writers, all the writers on Young and the Restless and the Bold and the Beautiful need to be fired!!…I fell yesterday in the parking lot at Giant Eagle. I don’t quite know how to explain what happened. What I do know is one minute I was walking all cute and the next minute I went down like Frazier. I dropped my 6plus face first, but thanks be unto God that I had a screen protector that actually protected the screen. But I hurt my back and my right side. AND I had on a skirt…and Menchies doesn’t have any good flavors right now…

Random #353

Sometimes I look at my responsibilities and my bills and I wonder…when exactly did I become an adult?! Like….can we pinpoint a time or place when the shift happened?!

Random #352

Just saw something on fb that made me think of something I have said for years: birth control packages might as well read “take this and risk heart disease, stroke, blindness, diabetes, broke big toe, droopy left boob, weight gain, acne, hair loss, the inability to stop walking in a circle and dead taste buds…don’t take this and risk getting pregnant”. Why is there no in between?!

Random #351

Oldest: I don’t know any presidents before Barack Obama

Youngest: George W. Bush

Me: Good job!

Youngest: And then John Kennedy

I’m calling their school on Monday!…

Random #350

Signs you’re raising church kids:

1. Youngest: Mommy did you call me?                                                                                      Me: Nope                                                                                                                                     Oldest: It was probably the Holy Ghost

2. Me: We need to go shopping for suits for Resurrection Sunday                                    Both whined extensively, then                                                                                               Oldest: Do you think Jesus was worried about fashion when he was getting crucified?                                                                                                                                          Youngest: Nope!! (enthusiastically)                                                                                       Oldest: Do you think Jesus was worried about if I was gonna wear a suit when He was getting all resurrected and stuff?                                                                       Youngest: No! PREACH BROTHA!