Random #316

The oldest and I had a major disagreement last night…

It started with me explaining that no matter how old he gets, he will always be my baby.

Me: Even when you are 40, with a wife and children and a dog…

Him (interrupting me): And a monkey

Me: But I don’t like monkeys…

Him: Ooooookaaaaay……I’m still gonna get a monkey

Me: Then I’m not coming to visit! (I was getting mad at this point)

Him: Well then how will you see your grandkids? (Seriously questioning why I would forfeit seeing my grandkids because of a monkey) 

FULL FLEDGE FIGHT ENSUED!! 

He’s 11, btw…

Random #315

You know your priorities are all messed up when you are having a conversation about #Selma and someone mentions LBJ and you think to yourself, “Was LeBron in the Selma movie?”…

Shut Up…

Random #314

Oldest: I really wish Jesus had gotten married.

Youngest: I know, right?!

Me: Um….why?

Oldest: Because then he would’ve had kids and their kids would have had kids, and theirs kids would have had kids…

Youngest: Right. So there would be people walking around right now that were actually related to Jesus!

Oldest: And they could have a reality show!

Youngest: Right! ‘Jesus’ Kids’!

Oldest: And they could show off their faith! For other people to see!! 

Youngest: Like, witnessing!

Me: Um……

Random #311

Last night I got sick. Like dizzy, headache sick. So I didn’t twist my hair. This morning I woke up feeling the exact same way, only with Frederick Douglass hair. I’m unbothered though. If anyone, and I do mean anyone, tries to ride me about it, my response is simple:

I know. Because I won both of them…

Boss…

Random #310

My youngest has some money left over from his birthday. And he is a free spirit with his funds. So yesterday at the movies he says “Mommy I’ll buy my own snacks. I’m going to buy some candy and a large drink”. 

“Really? How much money do you have?” I asked 

“Two dollars!” he proudly responded

He also tried to “tip” me with those same two dollars this morning when I dropped him off at school…

Random #308

I got my eyebrows done yesterday and I don’t like them. Which leads me to this question: when you are receiving a service that you’re paying for, do you have a hard time saying “No I don’t want her to do my eyebrows…I want her”? Because I’ve learned this place well enough to know whose chair I want to sit in, and whose chair I would rather not. But I just feel rude saying that to the receptionist. Even though I am using my hard earned dollars to pay.

And also, as an fyi: if you are a man, with a face full of makeup (and it ain’t even beat all like that) and you only have a teaspoon of hair, that you have slicked and gelled in a very uncomfortable way….I have no problem telling the receptionist that I will not be sitting in your chair…

Random #307

Had a burger tonight. They call it “the Luther”. Instead of a bun, there was a doughnut. And it had bacon on it. I don’t hafta tell you…I’m in love…

Random #306

Yesterday I had a conundrum. I was in the shower when I realized I had to do number 1. I tried to will myself to hold it till I was done showering. When I realized that would not work, I said to myself “Vee? Just pee here. In the shower! People do that! You’re washing up anyway….it’s almost like skipping the middle man!” (The middle man would be the toilet tissue). 

I couldn’t do it. I tried. I but I couldn’t, I wouldn’t let myself…wet myself. It made for an uncomfortable showering experience…

Random #305

I’ve just informed my place of employment that it’s so cold outside that my attention span is frozen. Please do not bother me or expect much until we thaw…

Co-worker’s response: you must stay frozen ALLLLL the time….

Random #301

The youngest fell asleep on the football game last night. This morning he scrambled to the tv (before brushing, washing….barely said good morning), found the game on the dvr and fast forwarded to the end. And found out the Panthers lost to the Seahawks. Or Seagulls. Or something. Anyway, he got mad and announced that he doesn’t like birds anymore. 

Apparantly it’s that serious… 

Random #299

The way you nap says a lot about your intentions. Laying on top of the cover, at the foot of the bed means you don’t intend to stay long. Getting under the covers means check back in about 2 hours. If you take off clothes…well…just say goodnight. There are intentions for living room furniture as well…

Random #296

I just woke up from a nap. My tv is on and I have seen two Black Friday commercials. What’s going on?! Did I sleep for 11 months?! Did I miss summer?!…

Random #295

The youngest casually said that TD Jakes looks like he could be Mark Henry’s brother. I had to google Mark Henry. I’ll wait for you to google it as well…then we can giggle together…

Random #294

I guess you can’t get mad that someone keeps shooting you in the face, when you keep handing them the loaded gun. Eventually you hafta realize, you can’t trust them with the loaded gun…

Random #293

Gave the kids a huge speech this morning, complete with a strict, no-nonsense voice, hand gestures, and church “don’t you act a fool in here or I’ma act a fool in here” eyes, about being responsible with their things. “You leave this house with your iPad, you walk back in this house with your iPad. I don’t wanna hear, you left it on the bus, in your locker or you don’t know where it is!”. A good 5 minutes at least. When I was done, “You got it? You hear me?”, they shook their heads yes. Having believed I fully got my point across, I straightened my shirt, put my hands on my hips and asked sheepishly, “Now…has anyone seen my scarf?…..Or my phone?”…..

The irony of it all….

Random #292

Just made my kids unplug. You woulda thought I called their momma out her name the way they looked at me in disbelief and disgust. Took a few minutes to adjust, but now they are laughing and talking and being creative with each other, without any devices! Reminiscent of the ’90s, kinda…