Random #289

You ever beg God for something, then when He provides, you say “God is this you?”? Or you hear Him plain as day speak but you still say “Huh? Are you speaking?”?…

Random #288

Years ago, when I was about 7 months pregnant with my oldest, I went to Christmas dinner, which was set to begin around 5pm. It was potluck style…everyone bring a dish. Most of the main dishes, the staples if you will, were to be brought by the notoriously late. And they lived up to their reputation. 3 hours later, we circled up to pray, with most of the dishes lined up, ready for me and my 7 months pregnant appetite to devour. The prayer, said by the patriarch of the family, was stalled because he had to lecture us on the importance of timeliness. I had been on time. And I was 7 months pregnant. And I was hungry. So I could not understand why I was being reprimanded with the group. He then went on to preach about how, had Mary and Joseph not been on time at the inn…..well, where would we be now. Then he prayed. For 10 minutes. About all he had preached about. Clearly, he was mad…

Once I had eaten, it turned out to be a great holiday. No one liked their Secret Santa gifts, two couples had public arguments (raises hand), and there was a baby that cried the whole time. 

The moral of the story: be on time today, and everyday!! :-)

Merry Christmas…

Random #287

Yesterday, I heard a hissing noise in my house. We were preparing to leave for my oldest’s band concert. (SN: I managed to wash/dry/curl my hair, make dinner and sit down as a family to eat said dinner in an hour and a half. I’m superwoman!!) (SN2: Naturals!! It takes time to do all that to your hair, right? And make it look like a style from 2010 or later. Yea….so….my previous random was about responding to a parent situation like Rochelle from Everybody Hates Chris. My hair looked like hers last night. I am superwoman…with a fluffy, curly bob. #struggle). So anyway, I’m running through the house trying to figure out where the hiss is coming from. I find my oldest downstairs with a bottle of Axe body spray, spraying his neck….with one long continuous spray….he had a huge, circular wet spot on his neck. He was looking at me, smiling, showing all his teeth, nodding slowly…..still spraying

“Gotta smell good Mommy. You never know what kind of women are going to be at this thing…”

….

Random #285

When I tell my boys “chop chop, we gotta roll, hurry up, we got ten minutes and eight of ‘em are gone, peddle to the metal, let’s go, let’s move, out the door!”….as I scurry about the house like a chicken with my head cut off, and then hear them in an intense heated philosophical debate over…wwe, who is the better super hero, what happened on Spiderman the night before, who claimed use of the xbox first for later on in the day, which cereal taste better, who is better “Michael Jackson or James Brown”,…while sitting across from each other, looking like a young Malcolm and Martin, with animated hands and elbows rested on knees and their heads rested on their index fingers….still in draws and socks, no clothes on, with their breakfast getting cold…I get an attitude….

Random #284

Yesterday, the stupid people won. I’m calling a meeting of all the smart people, at the secret location, at the secret time. Cuz yesterday can NEVER happen again…

Random #283

Why do my kids take showers like:

1. They have a whole lotta body to wash?

2. They bought their own body wash/shampoo?

3. They have a job and put something on the water bill?!

I’m putting a timer in the bathroom and if they go past 5 minutes I’m blowing a bull horn and I’m going AWF! 

Random #279

I feel like I have to do this every year, but…it’s time to go over morning drop off rules at school drive thru thingamajig:

1. IF, by the time you make it to the front of the line, and your little sweetheart is not ready to exit the car, meaning he has crumbs around his cute little mouth that you just noticed, or his chubby koala bear fingers are in need of lotion, or he is having a meltdown, OR….you need to have an unexpected talk about why he shouldn’t call his sister fat, or he just mentioned how he saw your spouse kissing on someone else, OR…he needs to be reprimanded because he just said the “d” word or yelled “I hate you!” OR….whatever…..you, parent, need to ease your car into a parking space and handle business. Because those few extra minutes that you just sit there and hold up the line, are a few extra minutes that I could have dropped off my kid and been able to grab a cup of coffee.

2. IF you are blessed with parents that are still here, wanna help out and can still drive….make sure they can still drive. Don’t just let them drive because you don’t want to hear their temper tantrum, much like your 16 year old, when you tell them that they can’t drive. I have seen way too many cars riding on the curb with the straight gangsta lean because ya’ll letting 99 year olds take your kids to school. They drive 1.5 miles per hour then slam on their brakes when the wind blows too strong and that leaves a line of cars behind them slamming on their brakes. Then I have to follow them out to the main street, where they sit at a stop sign for ten minutes (with no cross traffic coming) with their left blinker on, only to (eventually) make a right turn. 

Govern yourselves accordingly please…

Random #276

It is 5:30 in the evening. We have just walked in the house. Upon taking off our coats and outdoor accessories and beginning our evening regime, I walked past the oldest. His prepubescent funk smacked the pretty off of me. 

Me: Did you put on deodorant today?

Him: uhhhhh

Me: *glaring* WHY NOT?! YOU STINK!

Him: I misplaced it

Me: *yelling* YOU STINK! WHY DIDN’T YOU SAY SOMETHING THIS MORNING?! YOU STINK! YOU SMELL LIKE ONIONS! YOU SMELL LIKE A WHOPPER! YOU SMELL LIKE ONIONS!! YOU’VE BEEN WALKING AROUND ALL DAY SMELLING LIKE ONIONS!! *complete hysteria*

Him: Ohhhh! That’s what I smelled in math lab! I was picking my teeth today in math lab. And every time I put my finger to my mouth I smelled onions…I kept wondering what that was…*completely unbothered*

Me: complete blank stare

Random #275

A couple of weeks ago I went to Target and walked out with a gazillion and one bags (what’s new?). One of my purchases was a pack of pads. Well…my youngest decided to unload the bags, no doubt trying to determine if there were any goodies for him (what’s new?). He gets to the pack of pads and says “What’s this?”. IMMEDIATELY, I went into sweats. I have had MANY conversations about sex, body parts, what happens when, where babies come, how they get here and the like with both kids. But I promise I didn’t have it in me that day to explain THAT. So, just as the sweat began to form at my brow, causing the nature in my natural to awaken, he says casually “Oh! Diapers” and tosses them to the side….