Random #274

Me to my boys: What did you learn in church today?

The youngest: no matter the problem, big or small, Jesus Christ can heal them all

The oldest: When God gives you small things, if you take good care of it, He will bless you with bigger.

Two very good reminders!…

Random #273

Thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays. It represents people you love and food you love, which I….well….love. There are only two thanksgivings past that make me shudder:

1. I was about 7 or 8 and I had STREP THROAT! So while my whole entire people I love sat around the dining room table with the food I love, mmmm’ing and oooohing and awwwwing and smacking and complimenting the chef….I lay on the couch, pitiful, in tears. Because I was in pain. And because I could not partake in the food. 

2. I was about 25. The host said “Dinner at 5″. So at 5, I am there with my contribution and my napkin tucked underneath my chin and my fork in hand. At 5, she was still sliding dishes INTO the oven. This seemed to be normal to everyone else. But me, in preparation for dinner, had not eaten. I was hungry and irritated by the time dinner was actually ready….THREE HOURS LATER. As we circled up to pray, I thought “I’m all willing to give God His thankful due…but if this heffa make us say something we thankful for, I might say a cuss word”. She didn’t. She did, however lead us in 3 off key thankful songs, like she was a praise and worship leader in front of a congregation of 25, and then pray. That was my last meal there…

Happy Holidays!…

Random #271

Today my brother reminded me: one time a group of us were at dinner (Applebee’s I think). As our waitress began to bring our meals to the table, we asked her to bless our food. She was a little taken aback…and we told her we were just playing. We all laughed, and she asked us to get her manager. So as the manager brought the rest of the meals, he asked “Is there anything else I can get you?” to which we responded, “Yes can you pray over our food pl?”. He questioned “What did you say?”. We replied, with straight faces, “Can you please pray over our food?”. And he did!! 

I laughed the whole prayer. We all did! It was the Lord’s prayer. When he said amen and none of us said amen because we were laughing so hard, he said “You got me, didn’t you?”….hilarious!….

Random #267

Youngest to me: so….on your birthday….how old will you be?

Me: *keeping my eyes focused elsewhere, bracing for the storm* 34

Him: Oh……*silence…..*

I finally look at him and he is looking at my head

Me: What are you doing?

Him: Oh….ya know…looking for grey hairs. I was wondering what to get you for your birthday and that hair color stuff just might be it…

Random #266

So let’s talk about the Lost and Found table at every kid’s school. First of all, it always look like the junk table at a flea market or something. And because we all shop at the same places, we really have no clue if “that’s the jacket he lost last week”. So we could be reclaiming what is rightfully ours….or we could be stealing. From some other kid. And why is there always one shoe?! Or the lining of a jacket?! Or a retainer?! Or six right hand gloves? What are the kids doing that they lose that kind of stuff?!…

Random #265

“One single french kiss can transfer up to 80 million bacteria from one person to another” according to the Huffington post. EIGHTY MILLION!…this makes me sad…

Random #263

It’s inappropriate to reach across the table and fix someone’s weave in a meeting, right? Because I really wanted to…but I didn’t….but I wanted to…like, “girl your track is showin…”…but I didn’t…

Random #262

You really do attract what you are. Crazy attracts crazy. Liars attract liars (I think they be having lie-offs. Like, who can lie the most!). And ugly…attracts ugly…

Random #261

Had a talk with the boys about the importance of moving at a normal pace in the mornings so we can get out of the house on time. They began to bicker as to who moves the slowest. So I told them that they both tied in first place for moving the slowest in the mornings.

The youngest stands up, holding his fork as his award and says: “Ahem….I would like to thank my mother and my brother for this award….”

Sarcasm. It’s what we do…

Random #260

When I was a little girl, my uncle named the lady across the street Mary Kay, because she wore a ton of makeup. Friendly little girl that I was, when I saw her outside, I yelled “Hey Mary Kay” waving profusely. That’s when I figured out that was not her government name, but a secret nick name…

Same story for “store girl” and “hoe”… 

He quickly learned to stop talking in front of me… 

Random #259

Why do people put horns and sirens in songs and radio commercials? Do you know how many times I’ve slammed on my brakes because I thought something was going on?!..

Random #258

Dear Pretty Boys everywhere…Apollo Nida ruined it for all of ya’ll. He had the whole world convinced of his lies, treated his wife AND the woman he wanted to be his mistress like gahbage, was cocky when he admitted the lie, and cursed the would be mistress while he was apologizing to her. And the list goes on. Ugly guys, ya’ll are up to bat!…

SN: I’m wondering what kind of lies his jail husband is going to tell on him…cuz that crap IS coming back on him…

Random #257

Family game night! Monopoly, lots of food, Christmas movies going. We’ve laughed so hard, our tummies hurt. I have a ton of homework to do, but these moments are too priceless to pass up. And I’ve learned: my kids, for as much sarcasm as they use, can’t trash talk (we’re gonna work on that), monopoly can make tensions run high, ‘Bruh’ is the new hot word, and I make a mean egg nog coffee…

Random #256

I’m just gonna go ahead and start with my Christmas decorations…I’ve already started on the music, God already started on the snow…so I feel it’s the appropriate next step…

Random #254

The oldest to me…while laughing uncontrollably: Hey mommy. Remember when you used to work out to those dvd’s?…..

Me: side eye…

Him, while laughing uncontrollably: and you would be in the floor trying to do them….but doing them wrong!…

Me: more side eye…

Him, while laughing uncontrollably: and then you would just stop and watch them work out?!

Me: getting up and moving swiftly to attack him.

Him, in self defense stance: Remember what Martin Luther King said. No violence!! 

This is why I don’t work out. I don’t have support!…

Random #253

When you are not a smoker, and you talk to someone that does smoke, doesn’t it feel like they have put a cigarette mask over your whole face?! I feel assaulted! UGH!…