Random #183

Important things that I’ve dropped: A watermelon in my mother’s driveway…thing busted open; Thanksgiving night turkey. We had already eaten and I was in charge of cleaning the kitchen. The turkey fell on the floor. I picked it up and put in the fridge….I know it’s wrong and I have felt bad for years. SO happy to finally get that off my chest!; a slab of ribs. This one hurt! I was helping grandmama bbq when I was about 12….tried to flip it and SOMEHOW it fell on the ground. I still see the glare she gave me in my nightmares…to this day!….

Random #182

I have no problem with women who breast feed in public. I was known to pop one out when it was necessary and dared a soul to say anything to me. HOWEVER I had a blanket/cover up (granted sometimes the eating was so good to them they started moving and grabbing and the blanket would shift. But at least I HAD a blanket). So……was in Marcs the other day. There was a young mother with TWO toddlers and a newborn (Let’s pray for her). She was behind me in line and a little stressed (check out is the worst time when you have little ones…). I smiled at her, in what I hope conveyed “I understand your pain/been there done that….with a hint of better you than me” as the toddlers yelled at each other and the newborn begin to cry. I turned back towards the front of the line, noticed we had not moved an inch (shoutout to Marcs!)….and….my plan was to turn back and try to entertain which ever kid was backing into my cart, yelling at the other. Well, the mom was breastfeeding. No prob, girl….nurse a way! But there was no cover. Just boob and baby! And the way she had to hold the baby, plus wrangle the other two, it looked like long boob and baby. Where they do that at? I understand she was frazzled….and maybe she forgot the blanket….but I mean….ya’ll still use blankets for a time such as this, right? 

Random #181

A couple of years ago the bestie talked me into doing a boot camp. It was $50, for one month. I begrudgingly signed up. The workouts were good. We sweated out to sped-up Whitney Houston songs, which made her sound like Alvin and the Chipmunks. Anyway, she gave us a meal plan, which I was determined to follow…until I read it. Each day, one meal had to be meatless. And no real bacon. Only turkey bacon. And everything had serious portion control! 

I failed at all three things! I have to have meat at every meal. I feel like it is inhumane to ask me not to eat meat. So I ate meat. I found some turkey breakfast meat (it is also inhumane to call it bacon) that was decent, but instead of 2 strips, I easily ate 4. When I fixed my plate, I used the right portion….but I went back and “tasted” out of the pot/skillet/wok/dish about 100 times because I was still hungry. My thinking was, I’ll sweat a little more in class and it will all even out.

Weigh in came 7 days later. And I had gained weight. I lied and said I was on my cycle, which we all know, adds pounds (….right?). I also gained body fat. The instructor/owner/boot leg drill sergeant made such a huge deal out of this. “In all my years of running boot camp I have NEVER seen anyone gain weight in the first week!”. She was so loud, all the other ‘I’m getting skinny’ heffas were standing around ear hustling. “Are you sure you followed the plan?” I felt like she was yelling at me through a bull horn. “Yes!” I lied indignantly! HOW DARE SHE IMPLY THAT I HAD NOT FOLLOWED THE PLAN?! She continued to act all flabbergasted in her high pitched voice, which only served to piss me off more. 

I only did one week of boot camp. And I lost $50. But I gained my pork bacon back! 

 

Random #179

True story….about a week ago some friends and I went out to dinner. During this time, a married couple within the group explained that they had seen the the biggest spider ever in life, in their kitchen. It tried to crawl underneath the fridge BUT COULD NOT FIT! The more they explained it, the bigger and creepier the spider became. It was the size of a saucer with legs as long as utensils and it was all kinds of black blue and brown with ooze and crap coming out of it. It walked upright like a dog and it looked at you like you were a punk. Others were trying to google it to see what kind it was. They landed on one that could kill you with just a look. Of course, THAT was the one that was in the apartment. 

SO….fast forward a week and I volunteered to help them as they move. Well I didn’t actually volunteer to help move. I volunteered to help CLEAN the new place, because I am too cute to actually move stuff….so I must admit I was a little confused when I asked for the address and they said, “well let’s meet at the old place first”. I said, ok I’ll just ride over to the new place with them. So I dressed in bummy clothes (I was still cute though….I kind of amaze myself still to this day, that I am cute NO MATTER WHAT! GAWD is good!) and made my way over to their apartment and don’t you know after we hugged and laughed and what have you, she says “Ok Vee can you pack up the kitchen?”. I heard the record screech! “Is your fridge in the kitchen?” I asked, because sometimes people put items in weird places in their homes. “The spider is dead! Maintenance came and sprayed” she exclaimed. Then HE SAYS “OH! We told you about that?”. That lets me know, he was going to let me walk into calamity without any warning! How do you do that to one of your best friends for the last 15 years is way beyond me! I yelled at him then said “Ok….dead…have you seen the body?” (at this point, it felt as if we were referring to a human). No! No one has SEEN the spider but they know it’s dead! 

Me: Ok well if something happens to me will you both please tell my boys how much I loved them?

Him: Ok bet……so you go pack up the kitchen and I will be waaaaaaaaay over here working in a total different room…

Me: Well can you get the stuff off the top shelf? I can’t reach it…

Him: No…..but I will get you a step stool

That’s pretty much how the whole day went. I never saw the spider. I don’t know if it’s dead, alive, waiting on the eggs to hatch….I don’t know. But I packed up that kitchen like the G that I am. Except the fridge….I did not pack that fridge. All in all it was a fun day!….

Random #178

So I woke up the other morning with a pimple square in the middle of my forehead, right between the eyes….like a unicorn only not as magical. SO I put toothpaste on it and scurried on to my morning routine. Well then low and behold calamity struck in the neighborhood and I was told school is cancelled. So  then I was running around like a chicken with my head cut off trying to figure out life, put my glasses on (clear frames) and ran out of the house (forgot about the toothpaste). I spoke FACE TO FACE with three parents, both my kids, two co-workers and a police officer and NO ONE told me that there was toothpaste on my forehead. It wasn’t until during a potty break I looked in the mirror so I could give myself my radiant smile that I saw remnants of the toothpaste. SMH….

Random #177

I spent money on a seedless watermelon over the weekend. Today I cut it. Ask me is it seedless? Go ahead…ask me!! NOOOOOO (in my Oprah voice)! It is in fact FULL of seeds, the little white ones and the big black ones!

It’s sweeter than sugar, though. That’s the rainbow in the cloud. So I won’t complain….